EXCLUSIVE: Hollywood's Next Diversity Hurdle

LOS ANGELES, CA (AND EVERYWHERE) – In the weeks since the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences (better known as AMPAS to movie nerds, and the Academy to the general public, and “a bunch of old white guys” to the Kings of Sick Burns on Twitter) announced their nominations for this year’s Academy Awards, there has been a public uproar over the nominees’ lack of diversity, and within the industry at large. For the second year in the row, the Academy failed to nominate any minorities in major categories including Best Director and across the acting categories, despite numerous acclaimed films being in contention, such as Creed and Straight Outta Compton. The latter, especially, which was met with critical and commercial success when it released in August, seemed likely to snag a Best Picture nomination following its success with the guilds, where it was recognized by the actors and producers, amongst others.

The uproar doesn’t stop at the Academy, nor should it. There is an alarming lack of diversity in Hollywood, especially on the silver screen (television has pulled far ahead in recent seasons). Executives, who are white, greenlight movies, which are written and directed and starring white dudes, which are then nominated for awards, handed out by a bunch of old white guys. I am the King of Sick Burns.

That there’s a conversation raging across the Internet and – presumably – within Hollywood is encouraging. Even if the Academy’s steps don’t do their part to increase diversity within the industry at large, hopefully the real reason movies exist – money – does some talking. Universal had a banner year in 2015, raking in literal shit-tons (the official unit of measurement for box office) of cash  because they released movies made by, starring, and targeting people of color and minorities, such as Furious 7, Pitch Perfect 2, Fifty Shades of Grey, and Straight Outta Compton.

So the small steps being taken are encouraging, and will hopefully lead to bigger steps in the future. Hopefully other underrepresented minorities such as Latinos, Asians, members of the LGBT community, and disabled persons can find greater footing in the months and years to come.

However, there is one demographic that has been completely absent from this year’s Oscars uproar, one that is perhaps even more shocking than any of those mentioned above. 2015 brought us a slew of great films, but there’s one that stands head and shoulders (or should I say head and boulders – no, I probably shouldn’t) above the rest, that makes Citizen Kane look like a pile of shit, that single-handedly drove Inside Out’s box office into the stratosphere: I’m talking, of course, about the life-changing Pixar short, Lava.

For the three people who haven’t seen the film, Lava is a love story between a lonely volcanic island and the underwater female volcano who watches him from below the water and wishes she could be with them. It’s the best love story ever told. It’s the best story ever told, period. To call it a “story” is to do a disservice to it, because it is more than a story – it’s a way of life. The film unfolds as an extended, repetitive musical number with super basic rhymes, which is great, because it means it’ll be able to get ingrained into the memories of our young, thereby ensuring that furute generations will have the song serve as the internal soundtrack of their lives.

(Hopefully, in the next few years it’ll become acceptable to wear little speakers on our persons instead of listening to music through headphones, because then we could all hear the Lava song emanating from every person on the street/subway/bus/etc. as we go about out lives seeking out someone to lava.)

Yes, you read that right: “somebody to lava.” This clever play on words is the core theme of Lava. Sure, it’s about love, and dreaming, and geology, but at its core, Lava is about figuring out a cutesy pun and then repeating it ad infinitum while a ukulele lazily strums in the background. Nothing is more important than saying things like “I lava you.” Try it. Right now. I can wait.

Felt good, right?

Many have bemoaned the lack of recognition animated and motion-captured performances get during awards season. Robin Williams and Ellen Degeneres owned Aladdin and Finding Nemo, respectively, but neither ever was on the Oscar radar in any meaningful way. It sucks. But I’m not even going to bother looking up who voiced the volcano in Lava, because it isn’t a matter of that dude deserving awards recognition. The volcano itself is such a fully-realized, nuanced, flawed, but relatable character that he deserves an Oscar (or three), like how Mickey Mouse got an Oscar when he’s just a picture of a rodent. The volcano deserves a win for Best Actor, and honestly, because he shows us such a startling picture of humanity in its purest form, maybe he could win Best Documentary, too? And obviously, Lava should be winning Best Animated Short, but Inside Out’s inevitable trophy for Best Animated Feature should also be given to the volcano, because Inside Out is more often referred to as “the feature that played after Lava.” So there’s that.

What’s even more astonishing about Lava’s utter lack of Oscar nominations is that it was the only film last year – across all genres, lengths, and media – that centered on the plights of lovesick musical volcanoes in the middle of the ocean. You might want to sit down before this next sentence so you don’t collapse into a sobbing pile of broken flesh and bones: Lava is actually the only movie EVER to center on this subject matter.

Holy fucking shit, right?!

That makes lovesick musical volcanoes the most under-represented minority in the history of cinema. Even Ellen’s forgetful fish Dory gets two features to swim through – where’s the justice in that?

Lovesick musical volcanoes shouldn’t be relegated to shorts – they have a long, troubled history that should allow them to feature in all genres, from dramas to thrillers to horror to comedies. Can you imagine how great a reboot of The Hangover would be with a bunch of rowdy volcanoes singing about their unfulfilled romantic dreams? Star Wars is all diverse and shit now, but no sign of a singing volcano in the entire galaxy? If George Lucas were at the helm, I bet we would be seeing some volcanoes singing – he’s the only one who ever gave Gungans the spotlight their race deserved.

Of course, things probably won’t change until we start getting some volcanoes at the executive level – preferably volcanoes who are lonely and like to sing and have their back turned to their potential soulmate. Because they just get it.

So next time you’re hashtagging your way to equality with #OscarsSoWhite, why not slap on an extra hashtag – #OscarsSoLavaless? I have a dream that you will, a dream that I hope will come true.