Five to Avoid

I like to spend most of my time here directing your attention toward movies that deserve your time and money.  Everyone has their own tastes, and if Adam Sandler's latest "comedy" scratches your specific movie-going itch, all the more power to you.  However, if you're looking for something good to watch, these are not the movies currently in theaters or on Blu-ray that I would recommend.  Maybe not Norbit-caliber failures, these, but still.

For the first time, I'm also including alternatives to check out. If something about these movies interest you, maybe you'll be satisfied with the better movies I suggest.

In Theaters
2 Days in New York - It kind of kills me to put Julie Delpy's culture clash family dramedy on this list, as there is some promise beneath everything that doesn't work, but it's such a train wreck overall that I can't even recommend checking it out for the diamonds in the rough.  Chris Rock and Delpy star as live-in boyfriend and girlfriend Mingus and Marion, juggling the many pressures of adult life: kids from previous marriages, Delpy's character's upcoming art show, and the arrival of her French family for said show.

It's a fine, if bland, premise, but the movie does little to make it more interesting.  Rock and Delpy are soulless, perhaps appropriate given that the highlight of Marion's show is the conceptual art piece act of selling her soul, which results in a weird panic.  Perhaps equally bizarre is Mingus's extended scenes spent talking to a cardboard cut-out of Barack Obama, which might've worked better if not for Clint Eastwood's recent RNC shenanigans (probably not; the scenes fall utterly flat).

2 Days in New York tries to be a sort of Woody Allen cousin, but it never even manages to be a cousin by marriage.  The sole truly bright spot is the hilarious performance by Delpy's real-life father Albert as Marion's father Jeannot.  He brings gusto and humor to a film that otherwise is a very hard sit.

Instead: Check out Whit Stillman's weirdly wonderful Damsels in Distress, which brings together such disparate threads as creating a new dance craze and suicide prevention.  The film can best be described as Mean Girls meets Gilmore Girls as written by Woody Allen, and that doesn't even begin to do its quirkiness justice.  Damsels in Distress hits DVD and Blu-ray September 25.

Total Recall - Hopefully, this warning is unwarranted, as Total Recall hopefully is no longer playing in a theater near you.  The ill-conceived remake bombed at the box office and with critics, so it's on its way out.

However, if you notice that the Colin Farrell-starring sci-fi actioner is playing at one of your local dollar theaters, please hear me: Total Recall is not worth your dollar.  There are so many more fulfilling, exciting things you can do with your dollar, such as tearing it up or setting it on fire.

Total Recall is a special kind of bad.  It somehow attains that cheesy B-movie sci-fi glean without managing to achieve any degree of the funny charm that is inherent to that super-specific subgenre.  The action is pedestrian, the plot is predictable, and the performances are lacking (save a very feisty Kate Beckinsale, who makes a solid villain).  Eat your dollar before you spend it on this debacle.

Instead: Why not revisit (or discover for the first time) Steven Spielberg's magnificent Minority Report?  It has a great plot, nails its sci-fi world, and features incredible action sequences.

At Home
Snow White and the Huntsman - I'll avoid making jokes about how far Snow White falls from fitting the "fairest of them all" bill.  Instead, I'll explain how strange it is to see a pretty vividly realized fantasy world encompass such a boring film.  The visual effects and art direction deliver, with lots of interesting sights.  But the story has no originality applied to it, and the film takes itself far too seriously.

Kristen Stewart is sadly in Twilight mode, moping around as a spark-less heroine who, inexplicably, still manages to inspire and rally the citizens of her kingdom.  Stewart is a capable actress (just see The Runaways or Adventureland), so it's disappointing to see her deliver such a weak turn in a role that could've been the antithesis of her passive Bella; instead, Snow White falls into a gray area in between, active but uninteresting in her activity.

Charlize Theron gives an appropriately devilish, delightful turn as the evil queen, and the parade of famous faces that make up the company of dwarves are a fun, brief diversion, but neither even comes close to making up for the lackluster fantasy of Snow White and the Huntsman.  If Universal ends up going through with the sequel, hopefully they'll invest in more heart and humor.

Instead: Give Mirror Mirror a spin.  The two Snow White films couldn't be more different, and when the trailers released, everyone assumed Tarsem Singh's family film would be the worse of the two, but it's actually good fun.  Julia Roberts is quite funny as the evil queen, and the costumes are as wild and beautiful as you'd expect with Singh.

Chico & Rita - This is another non-recommendation I'm sad to impart, but Chico & Rita does not live up to its beautiful, unique animation style.  Usually, the little animated films that make it into the Oscar race are worthy of their new-found attention (such was the case for The Secret of Kells and A Cat in Paris), but Chico & Rita is not.

Though visually stunning, Chico & Rita has nothing to deliver in the story department.  This is yet another film chronicling the rise and fall of musicians, albeit in a more original medium and setting.  All the pieces are in place: the frame narrative, the music, the heartache, the variety of locales, but it doesn't all add up to a very interesting whole.  There are worse movies you could invest 90 minutes in, but when there are so many great animated tales to take in, there's not much of a reason to give Chico & Rita the time.

Instead: One of the best, most celebrated foreign animated films in recent memory is the gorgeously realized Persepolis, based on the autobiographical graphic novel by Marjane Satrapi about growing up in Iran during the Islamic Revolution.  Given the subject matter, you'll be surprised how funny many moments in the film are.  And the animation is gorgeous.

Hysteria - Hugh Dancy and Maggie Gyllenhaal star in a period piece about the creation of the vibrator.  Though it sounds odd, once you know the premise, you know exactly what to expect from Hysteria.  It's a romantic comedy wrapped in pretty period details, with some interesting historical flourishes and decent turns by the cast (including a very funny Rupert Everett).  Again, Hysteria isn't bottom-of-the-bin, but given its unique premise and good cast, one would hope for something a little more interesting and unpredictable.

Instead: In the mood for an indie with a great cast?  The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel is on Blu-ray and DVD tomorrow.  Though there's not really anything common between the two films, it hardly matters.  It's simply a better option that likely appeals to the same audience.